


Of Lesbians and Laser Tag

by clandestinegames



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, and i love swarkles, and robin into a very closeted lesbian who doesnt know shes a lesbian, but its cathartic and i hope someone else likes it too, so i made barney into bailey, so robin is a perfect analogy for comphet, this might be too niche
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestinegames/pseuds/clandestinegames
Summary: Robin should like Ted. He's exactly who he should like. So why is she so distracted by Bailey Stinson anyway?aka Robin is a "straight" girl who really wants to force herself to like Ted but is really into his blonde womanizing lesbian friend.
Relationships: Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson
Kudos: 2





	Of Lesbians and Laser Tag

Robin’s friend had been dumped, and that meant all men were the enemy tonight. One of her friends had glared and pointed to the bar, showing a woman in a suit with blonde hair flowing down her back. Robin had almost been too distracted by the look of her, slouched against the bar with a whiskey in hand, to hear the story her friend was telling. By the time she tuned back in she was just catching the end of one of the dirtiest pick up lines she’d ever heard.

She tried to shake herself out of it, but she caught herself glancing over her shoulder at the girl, but eventually, on maybe her fifth glance, the guy standing next to the blonde girl met her eyes. He motioned to the blonde, who turned and looked and said something that, based on Robin’s limited knowledge, was probably disgusting. God, she hated her already.

“I have to grab a refill,” she told her friends, shaking her empty glass, but they barely heard her.

She made her way over to the bar, leaning over to push the empty glass to the bartender. The whole time Robin was incredibly conscious of the people standing next to her. The guy for sure, it was that guy in that brown blazer that she could feel genuine electricity coming off of.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned, face to face with the two of them.

“Have you met Ted?” the blonde asked with a smirk on her face before disappearing to talk to some other girl in the crowd.

“Let me guess, Ted?” she asked, trying to ignore the fact that she still felt a tingle on her shoulder where the girl’s hand was.

* * *

Ted had been perfectly pleasant all night. He made the right jokes, and laughed at all of hers. He told her about the girl he was with, Bailey Stinson, and even offered to let her throw a drink in his face. This was the good type of guy, this was the type of guy that she had thought of all those years ago when she was planning her future wedding. 

She kept her friends at the bar late that night, and maybe it was so she could keep throwing glances over to the booth with Ted in it. Definitely Ted.

* * *

She went to dinner with Ted the next night. Robin scanned the wall, her eyes falling on the centerpiece.

“That is one badass blue French Horn,” Robin said.

Ted mumbled in agreement. “Sort of like a Smurf penis,” he said.

Robin couldn’t stop the laugh that came out, making her spit out a little of her drink. He was funny, he was sweet, and he seemed genuinely interested when she talked about her scotch preferences. I mean, how often do you find a man who recognizes your most obscure ghostbusters quotes?

So she takes him home, under the guise of giving him olives. That’s what you do when you like a guy, of course. You take him home.

“There you are!” Robin hears someone shout from the street and she whips her head around to look. “We've got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you're covering it!” one of her coworkers shouts from the van on the side of the road.

Robin keeps looking back and forth between Ted and the van. This is a pretty on-the-nose metaphor for the universe to throw her way right now. It always comes down to guys versus career, and of course guys always lose. 

There’s just never been a guy that she values more than her job. While all the other girls around her fixated on guys she always just felt like she was pretending. You know the drill, pick a random member of NSYNC as your crush when someone asks you, the same thing every young girl does. That whole faking thing just never really went away, you just keep pretending that men give you the same rush that getting a new story assignment does.

“Um, alright,” she said to her coworkers. “I'll be right there.” 

She turned to Ted, he was all slumped shoulders and pouting. “I'm sorry,” she said. And she really thought she might mean it this time. “I had a really great time tonight.”

He muttered some agreement, and she was off. There was that rush.

* * *

The guy didn’t jump. It was a nice ending, and she wouldn’t tell anyone, but she didn’t mind the fluff stories quite as much when they ended like this. She was an adrenaline chaser, not a psychopath.

So now she was home. Alone. Because she sent off yet another nice guy. A nice guy with a blonde friend that she _really_ wanted to get to know. A blonde friend that she might have maybe been lost in thought of when she heard the buzzer and oh my god why does she have five dogs in a New York apartment.

There’s Ted with a smurf penis outside her window (and maybe a glimpse of blonde hair in the taxi, leaning over to look at a picture. But that’s totally not where her focus is).

“Come on up,” she says, and before she knows it he’s at her door. And before she knows it they’re dancing. And they’re drunk. And there’s those butterflies and why do butterflies feel so close to anxiety and this is what you do and she’s complimenting him and she’s offering him olives and-

And he’s in love with her. Okay, talk about a mood killer.

* * *

No one has said anything for so long. Days? Years? Is this purgatory?

“So Orlando, you gonna hit Disney World?” Ted asks, breaking the silence.

“You love me?” Robin blurts out, because why dance around the reason this night has to end immediately, and hope strongly this guy isn’t some crazy murderer.

“Oh, god, I can't believe I said that,” Ted said, clearly embarrassed. Okay. Not a crazy murderer. “Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go.”

“Hold on. Wait a minute,” she said, getting up and walking to the fridge. She grabbed a jar of olives and handed it to him. “Promised you these.”

“Olives. Thanks. I love you,” Ted said. “What's wrong with me?”

Robin kind of agreed with him. What _was_ wrong with this guy? Or maybe… what was wrong with her? There was an insanely kind guy basically claiming love at first sight standing three feet in front of her, so why was she leading him out the door and out onto the street?

She genuinely wasn’t sure if she was scared or charmed, but maybe she wouldn’t complain if she saw him again. And maybe she wouldn’t mind if Bailey came too, something about that girl just made her really think they could be great friends.

“So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word ‘psycho’? I prefer...eccentric,” Ted said.

“Good night, psycho,” Robin replied with a smirk as Ted clutched his chest in fake pain.

He stopped her to ask for directions, and then he stopped her again. It was an impassioned speech about love, the type of thing she should definitely be responsive to. He’s standing there, on her front porch, like something out of a cheesy movie offering to give her kids and walk her dogs. And this is the part of the movie where he should kiss her.

So she gives him the signal. She shakes his hand and holds on, waiting for that kiss. The kiss that would show her exactly what the romcoms are about, finally.

But he doesn’t kiss her. Ted goes home. Robin goes upstairs. And she tries desperately not to think about why she doesn’t actually feel that sad about Ted leaving, but feels desperately sad about not meeting his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> So I promise eventually it'll get a little more canon divergent and less about Ted/more about Swarkles soon but this was basically just an intro/intro to Robin's comphet. I know this part was super Ted heavy and basically just the episode with more introspection but it wont be forever!!
> 
> Swarkles is just a perfect analogy for closeted lesbians/comphet. It's literally who you think you should love vs. who you can't stop loving anyway.


End file.
